Wednesday, March 29, 2006
LMAO
HOOKAY!!IF YOU HAVE TIME, STAY AND READ ON.IF YOU'RE NOT, THEN SCRAM. Goldilocks and the Three BearsBy Roald Dahl
This famous wicked little taleShould never have been put on sale.It is a mystery to meWhy loving parents cannot seeThat this is actually a bookAbout a brazen little crook.Had I the chance I wouldn't failTo clap young Goldilocks in jail.Now just imagine how you'd feelIf you had cooked a lovely meal,Delicious porridge, steaming hot,Fresh coffee in the coffee-pot,With maybe toast and marmalade,The table beautifully laid,One place for you and one for dad,Another for your little lad.Then dad cries, 'Golly-gosh! Gee-whizz!'Oh cripes! How hot this porridge is!'Let's take a walk along the street'Until it's cool enough to eat.'He adds, 'An early morning stroll'Is good for people on the whole.'It makes your appetite improve'It also helps your bowels to move.'No proper wife would dare to questionSuch a sensible suggestion,Above all not at breakfast-timeWhen men are seldom at their primeNo sooner are you down the roadThan Goldilocks, that little toadThat nosy thieving little louse,Comes sneaking in your empty house.She looks around. She quickly notesThree bowls brimful of porridge oats.And while still standing on her feet,She grabs a spoon and starts to eat.I say again, how would you feelIf you had made this lovely mealAnd some delinquent little totBroke in and gobbled up the lot?But wait! That's not the worst of it!Now comes the most distressing bit.You are of course a house proud wife,And all your happy married lifeYou have collected lovely thingsLike gilded cherubs wearing wings,And furniture by ChippendaleBought at some famous auction sale.But your most special valued treasure,The piece that gives you endless pleasureIs one small children's dining-chair,Elizabethan, very rare.It is in fact your joy and pride,Passed down to you on grandma's side.But Goldilocks, like many freaks,Does not appreciate antiques.She doesn't care, she doesn't mind,And now she plonks her fat behindUpon this dainty precious chair,And crunch! It busts beyond repair.A nice girl would at once exclaim,'Oh dear! Oh heavens! What a shame!'Not Goldie. She begins to swear.She bellows, 'What a lousy chair!'And uses one disgusting wordThat luckily you've never heard.(I dare not write it, even hint it.Nobody would ever print it.)You'd think by now this little skunkWould have the sense to do a bunk.But no. I very much regretShe hasn't nearly finished yet.Deciding she would like a rest,She says, 'Let's see which bed is best.'Upstairs she goes and tries all three.(Here comes the next catastrophe.)Most educated people chooseTo rid themselves of socks and shoesBefore they clamber into bed.But Goldie didn't give a shred.Her filthy shoes were thick with grime,And mud and mush and slush and slime.Worse still, upon the heel of oneWas something that a dog had done.I say once more, what would you thinkIf all this horrid dirt and stinkWas smeared upon your eiderdownBy this revolting little clown?(The famous story has no cluesTo show the girl removed her shoes.)Oh, what a tale of crime on crime!Let's check it for a second time
Crime One, the prosecution's case:She breaks and enters someone's place
Crime Two, the prosecutor notes:She steals a bowl of porridge oats
Crime Three: She breaks a precious chairBelonging to the Baby Bear.
Crime Four: She smears each spotless sheetWith filthy messes from her feet.
A judge would say without a blink,'Ten years hard labour in the clink!'But in the book, as you will see,The little beast gets off scot-free,While tiny children near and farShout, 'Goody-good! Hooray! Hurrah!''Poor darling Goldilocks!' they say,'Thank goodness that she got away!'Myself, I think I'd rather sendYoung Goldie to a sticky end.'Oh daddy!' cried the Baby Bear,'My porridge gone! It isn't fair!''Then go upstairs,' the Big Bear said,'Your porridge is upon the bed.'But as it's inside mademoiselle,'You'll have to eat her up as well.'Loves,DEL
Sherilyndel Revolted at Wednesday, March 29, 2006 |
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